tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS November 13, 2015 12:05am-1:07am EST
>> for the entire team have a tomorrow. >> good night. welcome to the colbert. >> ( band playing "late show" theme ) ( cheers and applause ) captioning sponsored by cbs stephen: hey! whooo! (applause) thanks, everybody. thanks, everyone. (cheers and applause). >> stephen: thank you. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: that's nice. a beautiful crowd today. thank you so much. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: thanks, everybody!
(cheers and applause) hey! welcome to the late show. thanks so much. thanks, everybody. in here, out there, all around the world. (cheers and applause) welcome, welcome. >> stephen, stefer en, stephen! >> stephen: welcome to the late show. great to you have here. i am your host stephen colbert. we have a fantastic show for you tonight. that makes 43 in a row at this point. and i'm feeling good. you're all, everybody here at the late show is feeling pretty good because we have some very exciting news. i hope you're sitting down. if are you lying down, sit up. have some self-respect. as you know, as i'm sure you know, this year the super bowl is on cbs. now we don't know-- (cheers and applause) we don't know who the teams will be yet. but we already know the winner, me. because i am proud to announce
that i will be hosting a special episode of the late show live right after super bowl 50. whooo! (cheers and applause) now that, not bad. that's going to be fun. >> are you ready for some football followed by an hour of comedy, variety television? that's right. i got the most cough eted spot on tv. it's mine. so i would like to take a moment to thank cbs and since it's football, i would also like to thank jesus. i could not be-- thank you, thank you. i could not be more thrilled. i get to be a part of the biggest sport event in the world and i didn't have to exercise. (laughter) i promise you, this is going to be the greatest hour of television in the history of broadcasting and i can say that with total confidence because i have no idea what we're going to do yet. i just found out the news
there will be plenty of in disept coverage of the big game. for instance, i plan on knowing which teams were playing. who won and in what way did the go-daddy ad make you feel uncomfortable to watch in front of your children that year. so-- (applause) (cheers and applause) so get psyched for february 7th, america. cuz you're not going to want to miss the show right after super bowl 50. that will be our 87th episode. so in t spirit theofuper bowl, we'll be calling it late show lixvy. (applause) tonight also very good show. i will be talking this evening with academy-award winner jennifer connelly. (applause) so talented. lovely. so i hope you're ready for a
interview jennifer connelly. then, i'll be sitting down with the writer and director judd apatow. (cheers and applause) he just started performing. he just started performing stand-up again after 20 years. he should be fine. i hear it's like riding a bike while drunk people yell at you. then we'll have a performance by the banded" internet" now i haven't sherd-- i haven't heard the song yet but i assume it's (laughter) that snd you just heard right there, that is jon batiste and stay human. give it up, everybody. (cheers and applause) they are about to baste your brains in a funk sauce, but
allegation ding in russian athletics vladimir putin called for an inquiry and then ran a two minute mile. >> tonight, stephen welcomes jennifer kol el-- connelly. judd apatow. and a meuses kal performance by the internet. featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now it's time for the late show with stephen colbert! (cheers and applause).
everybody, thank you, jon. thank you stay human. thank you so much. hey! thanks so much. hey, how are you folks doing tonight? you feeling all right? (cheers and applause). >> stephen: you know what i enjoy? i enjoy having a representative government. you guys like that? we get to have some say on who governs us. and guess what, there are just 361 more shopping days until we get to pick a new president. and right now we are in the thick of debate season. for the next few months they're going to be coming at us fast and fiorinaous. but of all the debates, the most next one is this saturday the democric canatdates will be duking it out right here on only the cbs tv. my entire body is surging with adrenaline and company loyalty. now this is going to be different from the republican debate because the g.o.p.
field is so big. hey, guys, that you didn't even notice, i put john kasich in there three times. (laughter) same damn picture. meanwhile them dems are down to just three candidates. hillary, bernie and-- don't tell me-- and i know, no one is going to try. a double m name it is murkin mufly-- it's miss ter miss ter, mitt momney, no, mallow mars-- no, whatever. he knows his name and that is the porntd thing. with only three democrats left in the field compared to the republican debates, there is also going to be so much extra
bnb. and this saturday will be particularly special because the cbs has partnered with the twitter to bring in live reactions and questions. and folks, this is psedo be the biggest twitter debate since ben affleck was cast as batman. and for the record there will only ever be one batman for me, val kilmer. his suit has nipples. and this-- this is just part of a social media revolution in politics that goes bk toac 2008 when barack obama won with a two-pronged strategy. tapping into social networks to create a sense of engagement, and running against a man who had just lrned to dial nine before sendk a fax. now social media, social media like this makes getting your candidates name out there so much easier than the old ways
like tv or radio or buildings. and that's why the 2016 candidates are all over twitter. like bernie sander supporters who are sharing photos of their babies for bernie, dressing up their little ones like the crusading vermont senator. it really is a much more effective campaign than bernie for babies, the time has come to change of my diapy. my diapy is currently 40% poop, 20% wee wee. we need to change t my tushy is red t is a crisis. i also want my binkie,ed top 1 percent get 90% of the binkies. so it all comes down-- (applause). >> stephen: really, really? really? you peop are really nice.
so it all comes down to this saturday. anything could happen, from hillary clinton moving inevitably toward the nomination to hillary clinton moving evitabley towards to the nomination. the wildcard is the man sitting ring side debate motd moderator cbs news political director and host of "face the nation" john dikerson. for more from what we can expect from john dikerson, pase welcome live via iowa, the john dikerson expert, john dikerson. john dickerson, everybody. there you go. john, thanks so much for being here, how is everything in iowa? >> thanks, steven, it's great. it's very windy here right now. >> stephen: uh-huh. you must be using a lot of hair spray because it's not moving your hai in anyway, shape or form. >> yeah, all the open flames have been kept away. >> stephen: john, your cohost is twitter. what does that mean for the debate on saturday night? >> well, it meanser's going to
they can send them in and we'll maybe ask those questions of the candidates. and watch wag people are saying while the actual debate is going on. >> stephen: how many of the millions of twitter questions will be you able to use during the two-hour debate. >> it depends. if they are really good, we'll use them. if they are not so good, we'll maybe use them afterwards. >> stephen: as kindling? >> yeah, to sharpen our discussion of the post debate analysis. >> stephen: now, jon, the-- john, the-- john, the republicans are known for roughing up the refereen these debates. like the cnbc guys got slapped around a little bit by the republican candidates. do you expect the democrats to do the same? >> no, they don't really have that tradition. in 2012 you remember neut ging rich ran a campaign that was at various times basically focused on beating up the press and it worked really well for him. but in the democratic party that has really not been so of the case for them.
so hopefully that will continue to be true after saturday night. >> stephen: now because it's twitter will you limit their answers to 140 characters or less? >> well, i won't but the economy, stupid, was a pretty good tag line for bill clinton in 1992 and that was way less than 140 characters. >> stephen: now i know it's hillary clinton and it's bernie sanders and the third guy is. >> martin o'malley. >> stephen: right, that's the name, martin o'malley. what is your job as moderator? do you really have to give everybody the same amount of time when you are up there? or can you acknowledge as someone who watches the news, that he has the same chances of a snowball plunging to the depths of hl? >> well, there have been candidates in the past who have in the been doing very well when they got on the stage. remember joe biden in 2 thousand-- 2008. >> stephen: no, no one remembers him in 2 thousand. joe biden dun remember joe biden in 2 thousand. >> well, he, never the ls was asking really interesting
questions and saying really interesting things at the debate, that sharpen the conversation among the candidates at the top. so no matter where you are in the polls, if the idea of a debate is to have a conversation that democrats care about, even if you are at 0, you can still play that roam. >> stephen: will you tell us any of the questions you are >> no. >> stephen: how about questions you will not ask the candidates? are you going to do any of that cnbc stuff where you ask them really insulting questions like bernie sanders, do you have the ability to feed yourself? like-- cuz cnbc got criticized for trying to stir up animosit between the candidates. are you going to do any of that gotcha stuff, john? >> i done think there is going to be any animosity stirring. there might be some questions that are not your garden variety questions. but we're not going to be trying to get them to pick any fights. >> stephen: are you going to sct questions that are really on anybody's mind like do they
believe the pyramids were used to store grain or would they kill baby hitler, the real questions that concern the iowans? >> yeah, well, and those may come in through twitter. so that is why we will be moniterring it so closely. >> stephen: well, good luck, john. who do we have on "face the nation" this weekend? >> well, we have bernie sanders the very next day. so he will be on to talk about how he did the night before. and so we're looking forward to that too. >> stephen: is he going to leave or will you bunk in together that night? >> we might just get hot koa koa and just stay on the stage, tell old stories, just kind of-- . >> stephen: like a slum ber party. paint each other's toe nails well, congratulations, john, i'm loving "face the nation," we'll see you saturday night and sunday morning. john dicker sorntion everybody. watch the debate on cbs this saturday at 9 p.m. eastern time,
tonight is an academy award-winning actor who says a homeless woman in the new film shelter. >> truth is i need the money for my boyfriend. he's sick, he's run out of his meds. >> no. >> i'm not using, i'm not using, dad. >> well, you've said that. >> a swear to god, it's been four months now. >> you said this before. >> i know have i and i know how it sounds but i promise you, this time is t is true. >> why did you lie me about the train ticket. >> i don't know, i don't know. but it's not just-- he needs his meds. he's so sick. and i didn't think you would believe me. they cost $370. i. >> well, if he's that ill, then you should take him to a hospital. >> we've been. look, dad, i know you shouldn't believe me. i know that i have given you no
>> you are lying, sweetheart. >> please. >> stephen: please welcome jennifer connelly. (applause) thanks for being here. >> thanks for having me. >> stephen: i'm a big fan, a long-time fan, sints '80s of your work, swi hard to believe that i could be a fan of you since the 198 0s. does that ever freak you out that you have fans from the 19 '80s. because you have been doing this since you were a kid. >> i have been doing it that long, i haven't had any fans though. >> stephen: you have a lot of fans here (cheers and applause) >> thank you. >> stephen: academy award-winning actor, starred in so many great films, once upon a time in america, labyrinth, requestion em for a dream and a beautiful mind. your new film is called shelter which opens in theaters tomorrow
where you play a homeless woman. is this the most challenging role you've ever play smd because you really threw yourself body and soul into, this i think. >> iwas really-- it was very challenging. it felt like it was an amazing opportunity. i thought it was a beautifulfully written character. the circumstances of her life are certainly incredibly different frommed circumstances of my life, gratefully. and so i had a lot to work with. but it was fun and fulfilling, you know. it was-- it reminded you why you are doing this as an actor, when you have that kind of freedom an gif enthat much responsibility and that much space angry respect from a director. >> stephen: there is a particular freedom in this movie, i think, from my point of view. you tell me what it feels like to be an actress. you have been performing since you were 11. >> i did my first movie when i was 11. >> stephen: 11 years old, that was once upon time in america. >> uh-huh. >> stephen: an amazing film to start with. >> the film was amazing, i had
no clue what i was doing, nor do i really now but-- i was kind of along for the ride but it was an amazes ride. >> stephen: but for, a young girl and for a woman in hollywood, there are certain standards of beauty you have to maintain your entire career. and at least from the outside. and obviously it doesn't seem hard for you. you are a beautiful woman. but this role, that wasn't the goal to look beautiful in this. >> yes, that is not what i was going for. >> stephen: no, you were not and awe chiefed it. >> thank you. >> stephen: i just want to say, you achieved not beautiful which isn't easy for a beautiful person to do. because i thought, did you see-- out of time richard gere-- a brilliant performance as a homeless man but the entire time i kind of thought that's shabby chic. he made it look good, as richard gere. >> you are saying i did not look shabby, just shabby. >> stephen: is this a relief at all, to go i can absolutely let myself go, throw myself in and not care what angle the camera captures me.
important to me, that is kind of liberation, feeling leak i'm not self-conscience of my, you know, that's-- it's nice feeling that and just focusing on being in the scene. i lost a lot of weight so i looked very unhealthy in the movie. >> stephen: that sucks bause if you get to be in a movie whe you don't have to care about how you look, why not like someone addicted to brownies or something like that. like denira in-- work your way through italy eating pasta sauces, that would be great. that's too bad. did you pan handle at all, in character. did you have to go out there. >> we have scenes, one sequence in the ging of the film where i am inassor place. >> stephen: here in new york. >> we got there very early in the morning. and i kind of set upy thing and the crew was across the street with a long len and they just sort of-- people, i don't
or do that, actually. >> sure, sure. >> stephen. >> let's s you can. >> stephen: so you were out there with a sign. >> i was out there with a sign and people were coming up. >> stephen: did they recognize you, as jennir cnet all? >> some people, after a while. but not, not for a long time. >> stephen: did they come up and say i loved new beautiful mine, here's $5? take care of yourself. take care of yourse. >> i didn-- mackie was in the movie with me,e relat aed story something like, that someone that he knew recognized him and said oh, anthony, sorry, sorry. but i didn't-- i did have a woman, i felt really conflicted about it. hi sign and it says i used to be someone and a woman came up to me earnestly and touched my shoirld and said you still are someone. and gave me-actly, that's what i felt. >> stephen: that's lovely. >> it's lovely and i felt like a
i felt-- i felt a little creepy. do i take the money? do i-- . >> stephen: did you feel like you were lying to the woman? >> yeah. >> stephen: but acting is all lying. you're going to take her 12 bucks this weekend when she goes to see it taking her 12 bucks then. you can't have it both ways. you did a commercial when you were younger. you actually cut a song when you were i think probably 14 years old. >> uh-huh. >> stephen: in japan. and this is something, a part of your career, a part of your career that i don't think anyone has ever seen. >> for a reason. i love it. this is a different jennifer connelly than is wing the oscars for the homeless people. but i felt it takes a certain skill all on its own. jimmy, let's watch this
(speaking jees-- jap nees). >> this jennifer. >> stephen: cute. (cheers and applause) did you have the slightest idea what you were selling there? cuz it was either stereo equipment or fresh pears. >> i love that i'm so invested, i'm so in character, emerged with the character. this is jennifer. i'm not like a fictional person, it's me. >> stephen: in japanese this is jennifer are this is jennifer do you remember what that was for?
>> stephen: a stereo company. >> stereo. >> stephen: you cut that song. >> by the way, i will never take myself seriously as an actor ever again, an nor will anyone else. >> stephen: of course they will, of course they will. thank you so much fobeing here. >> thank you for having me. >> stephen: it was a real pleasure. >> pleasure. thank you. (applause). >> stephen: the film "shelter" opens tomorrow.
have i a whole pan tree full of warhols. so of course i was very interested to hear the huge news from the art world this week. mod modigliani painting reclining nude sold for 170 million at yisies, that may seem like a lot but remember, it comes with the frame. that's where they get you. reclining nude is considered one of modigliani's finest works and is often referred to by its french title "new coochie" i'm going to say, not sure if i can say that on cbs. not even sure i can show the painting because bloomberg tv couldn't. >> chinese bill yr lu yigian purchased modigliani nu couche which is nude lying down for a record-breaking $170 million. >> we had to blur the modigliani. >> we didn't show the whole picture. >> it was too racy.
>> stephen: yes, too racy. they blurd the portrait which is a huge relief because for just one moment i thought someone had actually smujed it. oh, i'm so sorry, it's crowded here in christies and i brushed up against your painting. how much do i owe you. oh my god! well, this is not the first time the news has detitillated art. because earlier this year when a picasso sold for aorld record $180 million, it was reported on the news like this. now i don't really know why they did that because here it is unblurred. and it's still hard to tell where the naughty parts are. so let's try to count here, let's see, two over there one, two, three, four, five-- there's like eight and a half boobs in there. but seeing journalist cover a fine art like this brings up all sortof interesting questions. like what is art? where do we draw the line
and what if that line looks like a butt crack, right there. why didn't the news blur this? but most importantly, what can i get away with slowing on cbs? for example, everything i'm abt to tell su true. the network censors said i cannot shoi the full modigliani. as you can see, i have to blur both hootie and the blowfish. (laughter) you see the-- the whole thing, see the whole thing, you have to internet. on the other hand, the network says can i show you botticelli's birth of venus. lookt that, fully shucked on the half shell. those folks on the side are the 159 century censors trying to cover her up. cbs even said we could air raw uncensored georgia o'keeffe. wow, that is clearly the sex organs of a flower and if there
is young orchid in the room watching with you right now, please, cover their stamen. now again, this next, the rules get tricky when it comes to michelangelo's iconic statue of the david which will you notice i'm not showing you yet. that is because i'm allowed to display only a distant picture of the david for, and this is absolutely true, a total of two seconds, so brais yourselves for some full frontdal culture. on your mark, get set, art. one penissippi, two penissippi gone. (applause) yaz crazy! we are. i just hope to god no one ever invents a way to pause television. (laughter)
by the way, i know the statue of the david has a bare slingshot but you're not missing much. let's just say it was pretty cold in 16th century florence. anyway, all this seems so arbitrary-- arbitrary, but most arbitrary of all, i'm apparently not allowed to show you this following thing, okay. let's takene secretary here. okay. here we go. all right. i'm not allowed to show you this drawing i'm about to make of two female breasts. here we go. (laughter) okay. they have to be blurred, all right? unless i reveal that they are really just the eyes of a smiling man.
look how happy he is. (applause) and why is he so happy? because his eyes are made of breasts. (laughter) (applause) so until all this controversy over what is too racy to be considered art is settled, i should probably just stay safe and stick with what is allowed on network tv. police procedurals where they stack up dead hookers like cord wood.
>> which camera, well, you never know with me. >> stephen: this one right here, camera two right there. >> okay, hold on. >> stephen: okay. (laughter) wow, pretty bold, pretty bold. are you trying to get me canceled, anybody? >> i'm guest hosting for craig ferguson one night. >> stephen: really? >> i wanted to show a photograph of me in college project aisle vom-- project ille vomiting and they did not let me. >> stephen: cuz it was too sexy. well, you have come a long way since projectile voimenting. >> thank you. >> stephen: the writer, director of 40 year old never begin which you wrote with my friend steve carrell. knock knock, funny people, trainwreck, you produced superbad, brides made, anchorman, director of freaks and geeks and girls and you are also the author of sick in the
and comedy. and now you are doing a show at carnegie hall this saturday called judd apatow and friends. >> that's right. >> stephen: okay, you did standup for a long time but you haven't done it in 20 years, right? >> that's true. that's true. it may not be a good show. >> stephen: how do you get to carnegie hall? don't do it for 20 years. that's a hard lesson. >> actually, i booked this appearance because i was very sure that it would not sell out. and it is this saturday and it sold out yesterday. >> stephen: wow. >> and i realize that i'm not really a draw. i realize what my level of fame is. >> stephen: of course you are. >> this is my level of fame. if i'm walking down the street and somebody says are you judd apatow, if i go know they go, all right. >> stephen: i get that a lot. i get that a lot. yeah. well, you are more than, you know, a writer and a producer. are you something much more important to me which is you are a come de fan from a young age. >> that's true. >> stephen: and so was i.
how old were you when you said to your ef i want to do that. >> i think i was ten. i must have been a hostile child in some way. >> stephen: really? >> comedians were pissed off and flipping the bird at power. i hated good-looking people and attractive people. cuz i always got picked last in gym class. >> stephen: me too. >> i was the nerd. even now, have i a prejudice against anyone in good shape. like if a guy is jogging like a 40 year old guy is jogging with his shirt off looking great i always have the same reaction. look at that douche bag. i think that is my opinion,. >> stephen: that is why they aren't going for martin o'malley, the governor of maryland, because he's 52 and he has a six pack. >> yeah, i hate six packs. >> stephen: yeah. >> i don't believe in any exercise. i don't think exercise works. like, for instance if you-- . >> stephen: what do you mean. you don't think the science is in on. >> i don't.
in your life ran 10,000 miles in exercise, there is no chance you will live longer than me who has never moved. i'm like a tire with all of its tread, you know, i'm ready to go. i'm fully-- . >> stephen: you're not burng the candle at both ends, that kand sell still in the box. >> exactly. >> stephen: you're famous. now that you bring it up i have photos that you actually sent over. i love this one. this one is, speaking of not exercising. you found out that you were the-- you were the face of a movement. you saw this in what magazine? >> okay, so someone was telling me b you know, dad bods which basically means like guys who work out a little and like kind of crappy. and then someone sent me a link to an article. i hit the link and the photo was me. (laughter). >> stephen: unbenoans to you you became the face of a new movement. >> yes, crappee bodies.
of a dad bod is show it's attractive to be out of shape. >> i don't know how it feels for my wife because she has no sense of what attractive is or not based on marrying me, because-- . >> stephen: lessie mann. >> she doesn't get t every once in a while i will go why did she marry me. and then there will be a party and there will be a really ugly go and she'll go he's cute. oh there, there, there it is. out of the blue she said to me, this is true. she said oh by the way my name is not leslie, it's lesley. >> stephen: what do you mean be, just the other day. >> just the other day. >> stephen: how long you have been married? >> 18 years. have i been saying it wrong the whole time. >> stephen: well, was there any hostility in what she said. >> not at all. i said why didn't you tell me that in 1995? and she said because i thought you probably wouldn't be able to make the adjustment and i didn't want to be mad at you. >> stephen: that's a keeper right there. >> exactly. she's very lovely. >> stephen: when were you groag up who were your comedy
heroes who were the guys, i want that guy's career or that man's art, or that man's scope. i want to be able to say jokes like him. >> steve martin was number one. >> stephen: he was the first. >> yeah. >> stephen: for me too steve martin, george carlin and steve martin, the first rock 'n' roll comedian, he sold out arenas. >> we talked like him for ten years, all day long. and then i also, i loved paul lynn, i used to write himmlers. photo. and then as soon as i got the photo i would write another letter an we write knee another photo. i have like 27 autographed photo. >> stephen: this book is full of incredible interviews of people in comedy. including me. but good despite that. and you got some very early interviews in here. who is the first person you interview in this book. >> i interviewed steve allen. >> stephen: the great steve allen, who was the very first host of the tonight show. >> that's right. he was so nice. i mean-- . >> stephen: how old were you. >> i was 15 years old.
steve allen when are you 15? >> evil. you know. like just obsession, like a kid. >> stephen: i got a very pedestrian question to ask you, you might be the person to answer it bet are than anyone else. the head. do you think comedians have to be sick in the head. did you think you had certain, some sadness in your childhood, >> yes. >> stephen: and do you feel that? are you ever calling up your mom and dad please get back together, i'm funny now? >> well, i think-- . >> stephen: or were you not funny enough for them to love each other? >> well, i-- i-- you know what, if the divorce was worse, i would be funnier. it was not bad enough to get to this level it is not like richard pryor is a pimp level funny. >> stephen: we can't all be that lucky. >> exactly. >> stephen: well, judd, congratulations on the show, good luck on sealt night v a
to colbert tickets.com. >> stephen: and now making their network television debut with a song under control from the album ego death, please welcome the internet. police police >> i woke up impatient and anxious chasin' dreams in my sleep got me feeling like i made it then i wake up and see frustration, tracing for payment thankfully they know me can't get enough of the paper get enough of the paper i know you love it babe, 'cause i'm a risk but if you put it on, imma win and if you give it time, i won't forget when im a legend baby, and we're all rich
i need you to know it's under control, i got it and as it unfolds, i got you, i promise i promise i'm on it i can't help but feel like i'm wastin', precious time in my life worrying about my behaviors, sometimes i think i'm too nice i know i'm destined for greatness, a critic's advice they hatin' 'cause i'm a player they hatin' 'cause i'm a player i know you love it babe,' cause i'm a risk but if you put it on, i'mma win and if you give it time, i won't forget i won't forget when i'm a legend baby, and we're all rich